| The Call Her Name at 7:30 |
[26 Apr 2009|11:59pm] |
I couldn't help but cry a little as I sang along to "Brick" with Ben Folds at the concert tonight. It's such a beautiful song and my heart broke as I pondered the lyrics. Most people know it's about abortion, but it was bizarre that everyone in the Carrier Dome stood up to sing along. It truly is a great song, but it was a bizarre moment that all these people were singing about how getting an abortion divided a couple.
I cried for all of the unborn children in the world. I realized, as I sang, that I've slowly become more okay with abortion since coming to college. I used to see the issue in black and white, but lately I've been in a muddled gray. And I realized that I was slowly becoming okay with murder. I am not okay with that.
Do I think that Roe v. Wade should be overturned? No. As much as I hate the idea of ending life, I don't think abortion should be illegal. If a woman is going to make that choice, I'd rather her do so in a clean, safe environment where she won't be putting herself at much physical risk.
I mentioned in an earlier blog how I discussed the abortion issues with one of my professors. He made the point that while he feels that a human being is a human being in the womb, he cannot make much of a scientific argument for proving that a fetus is a person during the first and second trimester. Some babies born early can survive on their own. But that's not really until the third trimester. For sake of argument, we'll call a human being a person whose physiology is self sustaining. (Obviously babies are still dependent on parents for food and survival, but their bodies work on their own.) But going off that definition, are people on life support still people if their bodies can no longer function independently?
Rather than spending my time protesting with signs of fetuses or planting pipe bombs at the local planned parenthood, I'd prefer to spend my time advocating for different programs to support women considering abortion. Sometimes the issue is lack of the financial means to support a child. If anything, there should be more programs in place to take care of women as they carry their babies to term and then the children should be put up for adoption.
Sometimes the issue is that the mother doesn't want a child with a disability because they feel that having a disability creates a lower quality of life and they don't want their child to suffer, or don't want to have to for a child with a disability. It's just a different kind of life, that life does not lack the integrity any other life possesses. Different doesn't automatically mean bad. Difficult doesn't mean substandard. I know there are some parents afraid to adopt children with disabilities. It's a lot of work. But you shouldn't judge the quality of a life before it's even begun.
I know there are a lot of issues that need discussion. Should a woman who's been raped have to carry a baby? What about a young girl? What about teenage parents? What about people not emotionally mature enough to deal with the demands of carrying a child? I get those issues. But I think as a society our attitude toward life is far too cavalier.
It's so difficult to pass gay marriage laws, and yet we are okay with a law allowing murder? My professor pointed that out to me in our discussion. We are so concerned with the sanctity of marriage, what about the sanctity of life? As a society, where do our priorities lay?
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| Seriously, Humanity is Rather Dense When it Comes to Love |
[15 Apr 2009|10:33am] |
I considered opening this entry with the line "girls are stupid." But then I realized boys are equally as stupid. This weekend opened up some heartache for me. There was a boy. He stopped calling. He's been sighted with his ex-girlfriend. Wonderful. Let's just say it definitely influenced my choice of karaoke songs Saturday night. (And made me open to the idea of karaoke in the first place. For the record, the songs were "Simple Kind of Life," Love Fool," and "Girlfriend." Yeah.)
I've had guy friends ask me why girls date creeps. Boys, masquerading as men, who treat women like crap. Well, maybe not like crap, but don't treat women as they should be treated. For example, me. This guy was nice, funny, and generally treated me well before the last two months. He was respectful of my boundaries (even though he didn't really understand them) and I enjoyed being with him. Did I mention he wasn't a Christian? While I was at work today, I got really angry about the fact that said boy has probably been thinking with his penis lately. Then I realized that I really shouldn't be angry with him about that because I knew what I was getting into and still went along with it.
We weren't dating. (How do you break up with someone you're not really dating? Seriously.) He lives in Massachusetts and back when I reopened this can of worms, I still had five months until graduation. But I had gotten to the point of being so sick and tired of being alone that I didn't care. Why did I attach myself to this guy? Because he liked me. Because he is the only guy in years who has been attracted to me and actually acted upon it. It was just so nice to have a guy actually display interest in me that I didn't care about anything else.
So back to the question my guy friends ask me. Why do girls date these kinds of guys? Because sometimes they are the only guys who take action. I say sometimes and not always, because occasionally the good guy finally makes a move. But I'll let you in on a little secret.
I'm lonely.
I'm an affectionate person. I like kisses and cuddles and hugs. I'm a glutton for touch. It's something I struggle with constantly. So when the opportunity for a boy presented myself, I pounced on it with no regard for the consequences.
Helloooo consequences.
But while this weekend was painful, I realized how stupid I had been. Why has nothing been working out for me in the romance department? Because there's a developing romance I've been ignoring.
My relationship with God.
It sound stupid and corny and cliche, but I'm serious. God gave us the desire for relationships because He desires to have a relationship with us. And that relationship is so much better than any earthly one. It's difficult, but totally worth it. When I was talking to my friend Jonny about it, I said that it was hard and painful and it sucked, but God wanted my heart for himself. Essentially, I said it sucked that God was pursuing my heart. Stupid, stupid, stupid, and incredibly sinful statement. But as human beings, we're incredibly dense when it comes to appreciating the fullness of what God has in store for us. I know that in the grand scheme of things, my relationship with God is far more worthwhile than any relationship I will have with a member of the opposite sex. But silly, little, human me wants my kisses and cuddles. So I say it sucks because I'm not getting what I want.
But I'm getting what I really need.
It's another one of those character building moments of my life. To be completely honest, I sometimes wonder if it's possible to have too much character. (But maybe the reason why I have so many character building moments is because my character is completely lacking.) I'm really short-sighted a lot of the time.
I'm still a dense, silly, affection seeking, little human. But I have a big God who loves me so completely perfectly. And He is pursuing me.
Opportunity has presented itself again.
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| Satiation Doesn't Equal Satisfaction |
[31 Mar 2009|10:47am] |
Why is it that no matter how much we have, we are never happy? It's an American pandemic. This infectious disease is eating away at people. We want more than we have and we get more it's never enough and while it might satiate the appetite for a little while, it never really satisfies.
I make jokes about being a poor college student, get frustrated over not being able to pay bills or buy certain things, when in reality, most of the stuff I buy, I don't really need. I will admit that I sometimes use retail "therapy" when I'm unhappy. I know it doesn't work in the long run. In fact, it just hurts me more because when I get the bill I get frustrated because I really can't pay it. Or I can't pay other bills because of my shopping sprees. I don't spend a ton of money, but I definitely spend money on things I don't really need. I'll openly admit I have a problem with materialism. I'm better than I used to be, but I still look to objects to make me happy from time to time. There is a certain thrill from a new purchase.
I really need to give up excess purchases. I think that should be my goal for the rest of the semester. My money really just needs to go to groceries and utility bills. And in all honesty, I think I can get buy without buying groceries. I have a lot of non-perishables in my house. Not exactly the healthiest thing, but I really need to stop spending money. I have a lot of bills to pay because of my stupid unnecessary spending. And my current income will only cover my utility bills. I wanted to find a second job for the semester, but it didn't really work out.
My life really needs restructuring right now. I've been really depressed for most of the semester. I don't do much. I go to class. I go to Crusade events. I meet with certain individuals on a weekly basis. I go to work. I go to church. I spend a lot of time huddled up in my room.
I don't have regular quiet times. I watch far too much television. I waste a lot of time on the Internet. I take more naps than I really need.
I need to do my homework before the day it's due. I need to actually get into God's Word. I need to get to the gym on a regular basis because my body really needs the endorphins. I need to actually take my meds on a regular basis.
I go through phases with medications. I'll be really good about taking it every day for a couple of weeks, then I'll end up going off of it for a few weeks. Not good, I know. It's quite bad actually. I've been really bad about taking my meds this semester. I know this is where a lot of my problems stem from.
I find it funny that most people find me to be so bubbly, happy, and well-adjusted when I'm really a mess. I never realized how good I was at hiding things. Or maybe people just don't bother to take a close enough look. Or maybe they just hear my exuberant laughter and assume that everything is okay because I'm still able to laugh.
My life really needs restructuring. Well, what my life really needs is more Jesus. Because in all reality, I don't think I can ever get enough of God. I'm still doing a lot of things on my own "strength" but in reality, I'm doing things on my own weakness. I love Jesus a lot. I don't give him the time, energy, or passion he deserves.
God really spoke to me this weekend. I've been feeling so lonely and beat down, and even though I needed to do homework, I still went to the young adult service that happens at my church once a month. I really just want to draw close to Jesus. I really just want to crawl into God's lap and let Him hold me close and kiss the top of my head and just be with Him. I just want more time with God. I really just want to rest in Him. I've been feeling so lonely lately and desperate for affection. It's so hard sometimes, because I can't physically feel God. I can't exactly ask Him for a hug when I need one. Well, I can, but it's different. I really just constantly need to be held, be touched. I'm such an affectionate person. I need touch. I know it's why that I constantly go after guys and am looking for love. I'm really just looking for someone to hold my hand and hold me close when I feel like I'm going to pieces. But people can't fix me. They can't solve my problems. Sometimes I think the biggest idol in my life is touch. Touch, affection, they aren't bad things. And it's okay to need a hug or be close to people. But those things really need to just be a footnote, not the overarching theme.
Right now I'm just in a bizarre place because I don't really feel close to anyone. I do have friends. But I don't spend time with them on a regular basis. I don't talk to them on a regular basis. Well, I have people that I do talk to on a semi-regular basis. But I have a hard time feeling really close to anyone. I know a lot of this has to do with my self-worth issues. Like I have a hard time believe anyone really wants to be friends with me. My self-image is so messed up. Which is why I really need to go to God and learn to see myself as He sees me. I am so thankful for how much God loves me. Even though I don't always feel it, I know it's true and His love is there. I know He loves me totally perfectly. Like I am so beautiful and super rad and wonderful to Him. It's nice to know. I just wish I could really feel His love and have that love truly manifest it's presence in my life.
I feel so far away from everything. Like I am locked in this stone tower, high above the Earth with so many walls and layers and there is so much that needs to be broken down before I'm really free. It feels so impossible. I know it's not. But I've felt this way for such a long time. I know God is slowly working in me and has been tearing down that tower brick by brick, but sometimes I really wish He would just send a wrecking ball to rip it all down. Or maybe He could just a punch a hole and I crawl into His hand and He'd ever so gently hold me, protecting me, and then set me down again. I don't know.
I feel like such a mess sometimes. But I have to remind myself that I am not a mess, just messy. It doesn't define who I am. It's temporary.
I really just want to rely on the love of Jesus and stop looking to things and people for satisfaction. They aren't bad things, but they are just a side bar, not the actual feature.
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| who you want to be is more important than who you want to meet |
[21 Mar 2009|11:14pm] |
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Now that spring break is over, graduation is coming at me full steam ahead. I'm not going to say it's terrifying, maybe slightly disconcerting is the way to describe it. I'm an emotional mixed bag when it comes to the future. It's funny, I'm not going to say I'm ready to graduate, but I'm ready for this semester to end, if that makes any sense. Mostly because I despise magazine editing with a flaming passion and have become rather anti-Newhouse. (Oh the irony.) I'm at the point where I'd love to just drop my magazine major, drop magazine editing and com law and be done with Newhouse. (But I'd still show up to com law because I <3 Gutterman that much.) I realize this is completely ridiculous, hence why I will not actually follow through with it. But it's a thought. I realize now that I stuck with magazine because of my pride and I am certainly paying for it. I didn't want to drop my mag major because it was why I came to Syracuse in the first place and it was totally a status thing in wanting to be a Newhouse graduate. I will openly admit that I am a prideful, sinful person. That's why I love the grace of God. But on the other hand, I've learned a lot about myself through my Newhouse classes and it's definitely helped break me of my pride, even though the whole reason I stuck with it was because of pride, if that makes any sense.
Right now I just want to make the most of the time I have left at Syracuse. And by making the most of this time, I mean I'm giving the rest of my semester to God and letting Him do with it as He pleases. It's all His anyway. It's silly to hold on to it.
I heard a rather profound thing at Crusade the other night. The pastor of my church here was our guest speaker and after he was mostly done with his message, he went off on a tangent (and like always it was excellent.) He mentioned how his daughter is at a Christian school and noticed that everyone seems to be looking for their soul mate. Rather than focusing on who she wants to meet, she said she was going to focus on being who she wants to be. That pretty much hit me smack dab in the face and knocked me to the ground. I realized how much time I waste thinking about who I want to meet or how I want my life to be instead of being the person I long to be and living the life I long to live. We do that a lot. I think it's part of being human.
It got me thinking, who do I want to be?
I want to love God more. Seriously, as a Christian I am so thankful for salvation and the many gifts God has given me, I want to live a life that truly reflects what I believe. I want to be a woman of prayer and a woman of God's word. Why? Because I want to be a woman of character. And I know that if I seek God, He will be present in all areas of my life.
I spend too much time focusing on myself. I want to give to other people. I want to be concerned with issues of social justice. I want to feed and clothe the poor and fight injustices that happen around the world. It's about being aware. I can't fix all of the world's problems, but I can choose how I participate in the social structures around me and I can do my part to help free people of the social structures that place them in a cage. It's the little things, like giving what little money I have to others and choosing to be aware of the evils in the world and helping educate others.
I really just want to love other people. I get so fixated on my own life, when in reality, it really is not that bad. I just have a hard time seeing outside of myself. It's being able to talk to people and ask how are they doing and really listening to what they have to say. It's about being perceptive to how others are feeling. I'm rather awkward when it comes to social relationships. I have a hard time opening myself to other people. I'm guarded a lot of the time. I know part of it is because I have a hard time believing people can care about me. I know I need to take time to deal with my own issues and learning how to like myself, but while in that process I need to just be open and real with other people.
How often are we real about the grit and dirt of life? I want to be genuine. I don't want to be a phony. I just want to be open and honest in how I care about other people and what is going on in my life. I will never be little miss sunshine. I will never be a saint. There are times when I screw up and I'm not the best person. But that doesn't mean that I am going to stop trying to be a better person.
I just want to be able to love God, to love other people and to love myself.
And yeah, while I am doing that I want to become a practicing occupational therapist who works with the developmentally disabled, get married, have a family, spend time volunteering, give my money to the poor, be active in my church and be actively pursuing God. And if I could do all of this and live in a house in a canyon in California that would be nice. I want a backyard filled with flowers, jacaranda trees, lemon and orange trees, butterflies and fairy sculptures and wind chimes.
But for now I will be Steffi Jean in Syracuse, then in the 413 for a year, and then at whatever grad school accepts me and gives me money.
Seeking. God. Honesty. Beauty. Giving. Loving. Being. I want to be actively pursuing all of these things.
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| You mean grace isn't just what we say before meals? |
[18 Mar 2009|12:01pm] |
When I was little, I used to think of grace as something I sometimes said before dinner. I never prayed before meals on a regular basis, it usually happened at family gatherings or Girl Scout camp. It was one of those words I heard in church, the priest would say something about the grace God shows us, but I never really understood what it meant, or gave it much thought. The same thing goes for the word mercy. I’d hear passages of Scripture talking about God’s great mercy for us, but never really thought about what it actually meant.
I never really thought about what mercy actually meant until my sophomore year in college. I was being discipled by an upper classman, and she asked me to take a spiritual gifts quiz. Essentially, the quiz evaluated different areas of my life to reveal how God had gifted me to serve others. I remember at the end of the quiz, I was surprised to see that mercy was my top gift. I had no idea what that meant. As Jen and I talked about it, I realized the gift of mercy was about having compassion and empathy for others. The one thing that stuck out to me in the definition was the ability to see and care for others that people often overlook. Memories of girl scout camp and spending extra time with the girls who had developmental disabilities instantly came to mind. The more I thought about, the more I realized my passion for helping others came from this gift. Mercy in this sense refers to performing acts of kindness toward others.
To be honest, I haven’t really given much thought beyond that to what mercy actually means. In community group this week we talked about the difference between grace and mercy and I realized I still had a cavalier attitude about mercy. (And grace!) When Christians talk about God’s mercy, the meaning changes from what I had previously thought. The work book we have been going through describes mercy as withholding something that we deserve, giving the example of going over the speed limit, but when a police officer pulls you over, he doesn’t give you a ticket. You broke the law and are fully deserving of a speeding ticket, but through mercy he withholds that ticket.
Grace goes beyond mercy. If a police officer shows you grace, not only does he not give you the ticket, but he erases all of your outstanding tickets and hands you 50 dollars. Grace goes beyond withholding what we actually deserve, it is also giving us what we do not deserve. God’s grace is giving us salvation when we have done nothing to deserve it. Through God’s mercy, He withholds the penalty of sin through Jesus’ death on the cross. The debt that we owe has already been paid. God’s grace is shown to us in that not only are we forgiven of our sins, but God blesses us with different gifts. (Not just the spiritual gifts that I mentioned earlier.) God’s grace is shown to us in that He calls us children, we are made co-heirs with Christ. Not only is punishment of our sins withheld, but we are given the gift of life with Him and in Him. Grace is the gift of the Holy Spirit, God’s dwelling within us. Grace is evidenced in the blessings we receive from God.
So are mercy and grace actually different words or synonyms? I think that mercy is a component of grace and that like many words; both mercy and grace have multiple meanings. I think that the word mercy is used as a spiritual gift instead of grace to differentiate between the grace we receive from God and the grace we can receive from others. We receive God’s mercy and grace because of His great love for us. Mercy in the sense of spiritual gifts isn’t that we withhold from others what they actually deserve, mercy in this sense refers to compassion and empathy we have toward others. Like grace, it has a giving component. The grace and mercy we receive from God is different from the grace and mercy we receive from others. It makes me want to know the literal meanings of the Greek words for grace and mercy in the New Testament.
Lately I've been learning about how much of my faith I take for granted. God has given me some seriously awesome gifts and I never thank Him like I should. It's not about a guilt trip, but it's realizing that I don't give God what He rightly deserves. It makes me think of how I act toward my parents. They have given me so much and shown me so much love, but do I ever really thank them for what they've done? Sometimes, but no where near as much as I should. How much greater is what God has done for me than what my parents have done for me? A lot. But that's the closest metaphor that I can think of that comes remotely close to describing God. One of the other things I've been learning is that God is so much greater than the metaphors we use to describe Him. But metaphors are all we have and we just have to realize that we can never really come close to seeing the true majesty of God this side of Heaven. We can come close, but our human understanding and vision is vastly limited. But the way I see it, limitations are part of our free will. Because we are stubborn, free-thinking creatures, we need limitations because they serve as a point of comparison. Our present suffering and limitations make us that much more appreciative of God and help us know Him more.
God is so infinitely beautiful. His mercy and grace are so amazingly precious. Think about it.
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| Thoughts on Family |
[10 Feb 2009|12:08am] |
As I've gotten older I've realized that every family has its quirks. If anyone says their family is not dysfunctional, they are probably lying. Dysfunction isn't a bad thing, that's just the way family is, you have the good and the bad, the drama and the fun all rolled into one. Family sees you at your worst and at your best and loves you all the same.
Family stuff always stresses me out. This weekend was no exception. I'm glad I made the trip to Massachusetts for my cousin Kim's wedding, but oh boy was there drama. The wedding was beautiful and all of that went well, but my aunties are all a little nutty (some more so than others.) It's hard to deal with sometimes, but you have to choose love over anger.
More drama came in the form of my Dad accidentally deleting all of the pictures he took. He essentially was the "official" photographer, it was a small house wedding, and he always does pictures at family gatherings. He was totally devastated. My first response was annoyance at the fact that he couldn't wait until the next morning to get his photos on the computer, he wanted to do it after the reception when we got home. He reformatted his memory card or something of the like and lost everything.
As mad and frustrated as I was with him, I eventually realized how heartbroken he was over the whole thing. He felt like a failure and to men, who are providers by nature, failure is a huge blow to the ego. As angry as I get at him, deep down I know my Dad is a really sensitive, loving man. I know he felt like he let everyone down. He beats himself up over these kind of things (and some people wonder where I get that from...)He's the kind of person who expresses his love through actions, things he can do for people, gifts he can give them.
I was able to recover the pictures with a photo program I downloaded off the internet, praise Jesus. Once I got it taken care of more, as much as I was happy I was able to get the pictures for Kim's sake, I realized that it was important that I got them for my Dad's sake. God gave me the opportunity to help remove that burden of failure and inadequacy. It just makes me think of how Jesus' love surpasses all of our failures, all of our mistakes. He's able to erase it all and make us new. God used this experience to demonstrate His love for my family.
This weekend was really nice. For a little while after Meme died I was a little jaded when it came to my family dynamic, it seemed like everything fell apart. I still miss Meme tons. She was able to love so unconditionally and she was just such a beautiful person, she's the best human being I have ever known. She knew how to love. When she died we had to adjust to her absence, the family dynamic changed for a little while. Time has passed and the wounds aren't so fresh and our family has balanced out.
I've come to see that when it comes down to it, my family is warm and loving and caring in their own way. I'm really appreciative for what we have. It's unique, all families are, but they have this intangible quality that can't really be fully articulated.
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| Would you like some whipped cream on your humble pie? |
[28 Jan 2009|04:03pm] |
I have always had a drive to be seen as intelligent. I remember back in high school I took out literary classics just for the sake of having read books that many consider to be great. I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and I enjoyed those books a lot, but there is a part of me that wants to read classics just for the sake of being able to say I read them.
This drive to be seen as intelligent extends beyond my reading tastes. I thrive on being able to say or write something incredibly intelligent that others recognize as such. And as I pondered that fact I realized why I am sad I am not taking any religion classes this semester. Again, it's a subject I enjoy studying, but I also get a high off of being able to speak in a manner that I know can be considered intelligent.
What it all boils down to is I am a prideful person. Which is really funny in a sick way when you consider how poor my self esteem is. But perhaps it is that poor self concept that fuels for this desire to be seen as valuable in some way to others. For me, I've always seen intelligence as that way to prove myself. This is due to the fact that it is the one thing I could seemingly control. Yes intelligence is in part a genetic thing, but it's easy to acquire knowledge. How useful that knowledge can be is debatable. But having a knack for memorizing facts makes it easy to appear to be intelligent.
Perhaps my recent frustration with my level of intelligence has to due with the fact that I realized how trivial it all is. Memorizing does not make one intelligent, it's a cheap veneer. Rather than be able to come up with original content I simply would parrot the originality of others.
Or perhaps it is the fact that I am in a collegiate setting and it's far more difficult to appear intelligent in college than it is in other places. Or perhaps it is the fact that lately I've been struggling with depression again and it's hard for my mind to actually grasp onto things.
So much of my identity is woven into these issues. Part of the intelligence thing comes from how I used to identify myself as being a writer and others recognizing me as being talented in that area. It's ironic that my journalism career ended before Newhouse accepted me. My last piece of widely published work was featured in the Daily Orange the fall semester of my freshman year. I get angry at myself sometimes because I feel like I don't possess anything worthwhile to say. There is still part of me that longs to be a great writer. I know there is nothing stopping me from that. But it's more the desire of the acclaim for my writing than the actual writing itself I am seeking. To be completely honest, I am rather superficial. I'm a snob. I'll readily admit it.
I'll also admit that I say a lot of incredibly stupid things. Rather than carefully think about my words I just want to get my words out there and instead seem like an ass. I get so caught up on being seen that I forget to care about how I'm seen. Once I realize how stupid I was, I then chastise myself for not thinking.
Maybe the problem right now is that I am stuck in a state of internal dissonance, that my self concept and how I actually am/act/etc are in conflict, causing my current state of unhappiness. I'm not in a horrible place. But who I perceive myself to be and who I want to be are different in my mind and it's frustrating me and making me be incredibly hard on myself. (Then again, I'm always hard on myself.)
Conflict. That's life.
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| Don't Waste Your Life |
[21 Jan 2009|07:46pm] |
As I trudged my way to campus this morning, my black Timberland boots sliding across the sidewalks that no one shovels, I realized how ridiculous it is to live waiting for the future. Right now I am single, a senior in college at an amazing university, a girl with many wonderful friends and barely into my twenties. I got a little mad at myself when I realized that there is part of me that is just waiting to fall in love. It's so stupid. But honestly I really just want to be in a relationship. It's been so long since I have been loved and let myself love. Granted I was young and incredibly naive, but truth be told I want someone I call and will listen, will hold my hand and be there to give me a hug when I need it. I want to be captivating to someone.
But it's such a waste of time to live waiting for the next part of my life to start. What about this part? I bet that when I am in a relationship I will wonder why I didn't treasure my singleness so much. Life can be kind of funny that way. I realized that instead of thinking about how I wished my life was I should just do what is within my power to live the life that I want.
But what does that look like?
Good question.
I have no clue.
But it's something to think about.
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| Jesus loves me, this I know |
[14 Jan 2009|10:19pm] |
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I love Jesus.
It might seem a little ridiculous and overly simple, but it's not something I say to him enough. Lately I have been so thankful for the amazing unconditional love that I get from God. It amazes me. Today I got an e-mail from Radiant Magazine, an online Christian women's zine and the two articles I read quotes the verse from Psalms that says He delights in me. I forget that a lot. I doubt that a lot.
But every day God looks at me and says "Steffi Jean you are my daughter and I love you. You are all beautiful, without flaw. I love you. With you I am well pleased." I wrote I love you twice because God is constantly trying to show me how much He loves me and I am so blind most of the time. I forget. I get caught up in the world. I get upset that no man loves me right now. I'm wounded because I feel like my Dad doesn't love me, which is a lie because in his own way he shows his love for me. It's hard though because my Dad and I do not speak the other's love language. We get too caught up in being angry, stubborn polaks that we miss the love. He doesn't tell me I'm beautiful and we don't hug, but even when I doubt his love, I know that my doubt is a lie. But knowing and feeling are different things.
I get so caught up in the fact that so much of my relationship with God is in my head and not really my heart because I don't feel Him. But again, I know that's a lie because He constantly shows me He is with me. I know it sounds contradictory, but no matter how I feel, I know God is with me and His love for me is eternal, that nothing can separate me from that love.
Christianity truly is the greatest love story of all time. What is love? God has loved me for all eternity. When Jesus died on the cross, he died for me because God loved and loves me and wanted to have a relationship with me. Love for all time. Think about that. Sometimes I get angry that I am not a constant bubble of joy because of that truth. I get angry at the chemistry of my brain and my tendency to over analyze and get caught up in feeling the lies and not living the truth.
I love how God is constantly with me. That I have matured enough that my feelings don't change how I feel about God. My problem isn't really doubting the truth, it's just that I have a hard time accepting it. But then again, maybe it is a doubt issue, but instead of doubting God, I doubt me. I doubt my worth. But then again, maybe it is doubting God because when I doubt myself and I am made in the image of God, I am doubting His creation.
This year's theme for Campus Crusade for Christ's Boston Winter Conference was Kingdom Come. It's funny how more than anything I was thinking about last year's theme, Masterpiece. I am God's workmanship. He made me. He poured some of himself into me (hence the image of His likeness) He gave me breath, He caused my heart to beat and pump blood. He formed me in my mother's womb. He knows every hair on my head. That is so incredibly precious and beautiful.
Thinking about the theme of Kingdom Come, I realized I just want people to know they are God's masterpiece. That He loves them so truly and so fully. It also made me appreciate of the gifts God has given me. I know that already, just in myself, with the skills that I have, God can use me. My skills don't matter, He can do anything, He's that big. But He has given me passions and desires. He gave me the desire to minister to people who have disabilities. He molded my mind to take in the information relevant to that passion so I can use it to help people. He created me for that calling. Honestly I just want to get my OT degree so I can get out in the work force for God's glory. I'm glad I had the opportunity to hear about this organization called Childvoice International that ministers to child from war torn areas. Those affected by war are counseled and taught life skills. I could so go there and use my gifts. But it makes me want more OT training under my belt so that I'll have more knowledge that I can put into practice there. I might go on a short term trip sometime in the future.
But while I am so excited about this possibility, I have to pace myself. Right now, this moment in my life, this time, is a treasure. I'm a second semester senior. There are things God has called me to at Syracuse University for this final semester. Next year while I am working and taking classes in preparation for grad school, there are things God wants me to do by being in that specific place. The same goes for when I am in grad school. And then, after what I learn from all that time, that waiting, God will show me where He wants me to use my skills to help show people His kingdom come. It's coming. Jesus came once and is coming back. I can tell people what happened, what is happening and what is to happen right now, any time, any place, with or without certain skills. There are different people that I'll meet throughout the different points in my life.
It's totally super rad.
God has even used this blog to minister to people. It totally blows my mind.
Jesus loves me.
He loves you too. Really. Think about it.
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| Doing the Hustle with Jesus |
[21 Nov 2008|02:44pm] |
From 3:30-5 on Thursday I usually find myself in the fencing room of Archbold Gymnasium for my swing dancing class. I say usually because on occasion (three to be exact) I've skipped because I wasn't feeling well and considering the fact that you are up close and personal with your dancing partner, I decided to keep my germs to myself on those days. Two of those days happened to be one after the other, when he first learned the hustle. (Yes the hustle. No, it is not all about disco dance fever. It's a social dance that in some ways is similar to swing.) The third was later during the hustle unit. I am fairly good at East Coast swing and lindy hop, well, I can perform the steps in a mostly adequate manner, but I am terrible at the hustle. That's what I get for skipping class.
I found myself getting frustrated this Thursday because while I have the basic step and the count sequence down, when it comes to dancing with a partner, I don't know where my feet go. I was constantly messing up and felt absolutely ridiculous. Toward the end of class my instructor was getting a little fancy as he danced with all the girls. (We switch partners throughout class and usually some girls end up dancing alone for a little while because we usually have three boys and about eight girls.) As I drew closer to Steve as I went down the line, I felt a sense of dread creep into the pit of my stomach. I really just didn't want to dance. When my turn came, Steve called me out on it and said "Don't give me that look." I sheepishly stepped close to him and placed my left hand on his shoulder and put my right hand in his. I screwed up. A lot. But when Steve called me out, I realized how silly I was acting. Sure, my feet would go in the wrong direction from time to time, but what mattered was that I follow his lead.
The man chooses what move to do next, the woman needs to be conscious of where his hands and feet are leading her, she doesn't always know where she is going. She needs to yield and trust her partner.
As I was walking home from class, I realized something. How often when Jesus asked me to follow him did I give him that look? The look that says, "I can't do this and I don't want to do this and this is going to be an utter disaster." To be completely honest, I give him that look a lot. And I realized all I need to do is follow Jesus, he's leading the way. He's leading me, drawing me close, guiding me forward, all I need to do is follow. Sure, maybe I'll miss a step or two along the way, but if I follow his lead I'll make it through. And newsflash, dancing isn't a chore, it's fun. Following Jesus doesn't need to be a chore and was never meant to be one. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
I like dancing. It's hard sometimes and I have my good days and my bad, but when it comes down to it, I enjoy dancing a lot.
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[15 Nov 2008|02:31pm] |
Be still.
I'm still learning. I'm thankful for grace.
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| the magic's in the make up |
[11 Nov 2008|10:27pm] |
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Stream of consciousness is a funny thing. All of these thoughts that would not otherwise be connected find a way to relate to each other. The way the human mind works is fascinating. Or maybe it's just me. Perhaps I am crazy.
As I was walking to campus this morning, I saw a girl in a blue coat who reminded me of one of the cheerleaders from my high school. Why? Because she had the same blue coat. And suddenly I had this vivid memory of her frosted eye shadow she wore every day. It's funny how in high school and middle school, girls think they are so grown up when they wear make up. But have you ever noticed that young girl make up is centered around candy? How grow up is that? It's like a cross between playing with an easy bake oven, finger painting and dress up. The eye shadow is the color of frosting and the lip gloss or lip tint is candy flavored. I remember how Bonne Bell was a necessity. To be honest, Bonne Bell's Lip Smackers are still a guilty pleasure of mine. I'm particularly keen on the strawberry flavor. But I usually buy the strawberry chapstick brand because it is cheaper and more grown up.
When girls start wearing make up there is always the matter of learning how much is too much. It takes awhile sometimes. I remember one of my guy friends making fun of my eye shadow one day. I was so mad, I think I gave up on eye shadow for a few days. That was in middle school. By high school I wouldn't go to school without eye liner. I still rarely leave the house without it. It's funny how we trade literal security blankets for different objects. Eye liner and mascara are my new security blankets. And it's all because I think I need the make up to be beautiful.
I totally know how ridiculous it is and that my beauty does not come from make up. I know my foundation does not really perfect my skin. And yet I feel better after I put it on. Is that so bad? Is it better than any other coping mechanism? I bet no one notices the difference when I wear certain kinds of make up, and yet to me it makes all the difference in the world.
It's funny how I felt so grown up when I started wearing make up, when in reality it revealed how juvenile I still was. Looking back on how foolish I was then, I wonder how foolish I'll think I was in my 20s when I'm in my 30s. Scary thought. But at least now I admit that I know nothing. I know for a fact that I don't know it all. Funny how things work out.
Pondering my adolescent foolishness and my current young adult foolishness, of course the idea of love sprung to mind. Oh the first kiss. Sophomore year spring fling in the courtyard. I was wearing an outfit from Old Navy because back then I was the Old Navy poster child. Oh wait, I am now. But there was a phase when I refused to buy from Old Navy because I thought I was punk and Old Navy was too preppy.
I remember thinking I was in love in high school. Boy was I an idiot. I cringe thinking about how serious I was then. I don't know the first thing about love, to quote Thrice. (Find the song, it's excellent.) Relationships are so frustrating and boys drive me crazy and yet there is still that desire to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I'll bet when I'm 30 I'll think about how stupid my boy obsessions of my 20s were (are?). I came to Syracuse expecting to find a husband. That truly is a hilarious thought. I remember going to my first Campus Crusade for Christ meeting and wondering if my future husband was in the room. Yes, I really thought that. Unless my future husband is Tor or Ryan, I was dead wrong. Oh ignorance.
Of course what's even more hilarious is that even though I say that I've given up on finding a man during my undergraduate career, I still hold onto these absurd crushes that I refuse to act upon. Well, I act, I just act like that awkward school girl who doesn't know how to use make up and wears too much cotton candy body spray. (I was totally addicted to that juice bar body spray. It smelled delicious.) If one thing has remained consistent, it's how much of an ass I make out of myself on a daily basis. It's quite embarrassing really. After all these years I still lack vast acres of social skills. But I have friends, those people who love me despite of (or is it because of?) all my awkwardness. God bless them.
Sometimes I wish there was a computer attached to my brain so that my streaming consciousness could be recorded in midstream, that my thoughts on my morning walk were transmitted to this blog so the true absurdity of all of my ponderings could be written down in their original context. I swear I was a lot more intelligent and eloquent this morning. Or maybe not, and this is just a misperception of myself. The self is just a subjective construct after all.
Okay, now it's not, but in some ways, yes. But I don't want to get into that. My classes have me thinking about memory and the self and subjectivity and perception and all sorts of psychobabble. And let's not forget about all of the self diagnosing I've been doing. Taking abnormal psychology certainly has been an adventure, even more than personality.
But you know what?
I can laugh about it. Sure, I have my issues, but I do have excellent coping skills for the most part. Knowledge of my "deficiencies" does not paralyze me. Well, mostly. I've been blaming my lack of motivation on senioritis but deep down I know that's not it. But who do you talk to about that stuff? I'm not searching out a shrinky dink in Syracuse. I'm not home long enough to have one there. Maybe after I graduate I'll start to tackle some of these issues. I don't know.
I do know that I'm okay.
And that God loves me.
And if I look like a frosted cake, it's because I meant to.
All of that from a blue coat.
Isn't the human mind amazing?
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| rainy day reflection and recollection |
[08 Nov 2008|02:39pm] |
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contemplative |
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This morning I groaned when I heard the rain pattering against my window. I had hardly slept during the night because of a cold that I have and I didn't want to leave the house. Especially not to march in a parade. But like the dutiful band kid I am, I donned my uniform at 11:30 and made my way to Crouse, where the buses were going to pick us up.
Band has been a part of my life for so long it's hard to think that in a few short months, I won't be in band anymore. Marching band is almost over and basketball band will only last me for part of next semester. And then I'll be done.
It really hit me today when we were marching downtown in the Veteran's Day parade. I had this overwhelming memory of my uncle Dennis part way through the parade when we were paused, my feet marking time, the heels of my white dinkles pounding the wet pavement. Veteran's Day and Memorial Day always make me think of Dennis because of his time in the armed forces. I have a small picture of him in his uniform next to my bed. They also remind me of Dennis because of my commitment to music. Dennis was a musician, he played a lot of different instruments and always encouraged me with my music. It's his flute that I've been playing for 11 years. It's so beat up and I just had some of the corks replaced, but I love it all the same. It doesn't matter that it's hardly ever in tune or that the repair man said it needs a complete overhaul. I just need it to get me through one more year of band.
I remember being so angry at my mom when she said I was to stop renting my flute from the music store and that we were going to buy Dennis' old flute. (I was still really spoiled and materialistic at that point, I didn't want a used anything.) Now I am so thankful for it. As banged up as it is, whenever I get frustrated I remember where my flute came from and it's okay. It has character. And it's a nice homage to Dennis.
This is my last year in band and it scares me because band has always been a way for me to remember Dennis. I know he'd be so proud of me, playing in a college band and that he would have loved to seen me rock out on the steps of Hendricks Chapel before a football game. Band has always been a way for me to stay close to him. I'll always have a part of him with me, but it will be different. I won't have the constant reminder that band has always been.
This October marked seven years since he passed. Seven. It feels like the number is too big, that it wasn't that long ago. It's not that I'm still mourning his loss, learning to cope. I am as well adjusted as a person can be. I think. He's just with me. He always has been. The same goes for Meme.
When I thought of him while I was marching, the parade became less of a chore. I thought about how Dennis would have enjoyed the music and would have loved to see me in my Syracuse band uniform. Band or no band, he'll always be with me. I'm just going to miss that tangible reminder.
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| What is mental illness? |
[07 Oct 2008|10:09pm] |
I laugh at how rarely I update my livejournal now when there used to be a time when if I didn't update at least three times a day I'd go crazy. I guess I am not as hypergraphic as I used to be. Actually, I am, I will admit that I am compulsive about writing to do lists and I need to write down what I need to accomplish in order to focus on the task at hand. But I recognize my neurosis and don't let it control me.
I'm going to write an article on the Syracuse chapter of NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness for my magazine class. The club just started and I'm still very much in the early stages of research, which is not a good thing. But I hope to get the ball rolling in the next week. I am kind of hating being in Newhouse right now, but with only three classes to go, it seems like it would be so ridiculous to drop the major. And I do think the writing classes will help me when I am writing research. I want to be able to publish findings that are accessible to the general public. Or at least, the average family member of someone with a disability.
The word mental illness has so much stigma around it. Part of what NAMI does is work on educating people to remove the stigma. Mental illness seems like such a strong word, bringing up images of straight jackets and padded rooms, but on the collegiate level, many college students suffer from depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Students need to be aware that there is help out there and there is still hope for them. The second week of school (give or take) a freshman committed suicide. That kills me that after being here for such a brief time that this guy felt that he had no other options. My heart still breaks when I think about it, and it happens at colleges all over the country.
Depression is disability, I know it first hand. There are times when it's hard for me to be motivated to do anything and I get so incapacitated by stress and anxiety that I won't leave my house. Thankfully, that doesn't happen so often now. I still get frustrated that this is something I've had to deal with for nearly six years now. I will be completely honest and say that yes, I do wrestle with God on this. But this weekend, when I was on the BCM retreat, God reminded me that it is in my weakness He shows His strength. My depression has strengthened my relationship with God. I also know that it helps me relate to other people.
For the second or third time, this weekend I was told to read Henri Nouwen's Wounded Healer. I really need to go out and buy it soon. God uses our brokenness to help others. We are not broken. We are people who have brokenness. It's like how I say that I am messy, but I am not a mess. We can't define ourselves by our weaknesses, rather we need to recognize them and define ourselves through how God uses those weaknesses for His glory. I'm thankful for my emotional, messy, bleeding heart self. I am thankful for the tears and the pain because God uses them in powerful ways. It's so beautiful.
This weekend I was reminded of how I need to not get stuck on certain things I am dealing with. It gets hard because I have living on my head knowledge of faith for so long because I know that faith is not a feeling. I know that one day my feelings will line up with my knowledge. Until then, I'll continue seeking God and growing in Him. He is constantly at work in me.
Things are different. Senior is difficult for a lot of reasons. But then I remember what God has for me. I know occupational therapy is right for me. As a wounded healer God can use me in a lot of amazing ways as I practice occupational therapy. I am so excited to go to start observation hours, work on my degree and get into O.T. It's still going to be a year before I apply to school, but I know it's all in God's timing. I need that year at home to be with my parents and apply at my own pace. I am thankful that I am not applying this year. I'd be stressing out so much it would be hard for me to invest in other people. I've been able to spend a lot of time with underclassmen, getting to know them and hopefully offering some support as they find their place here at SU. I love this university and the ministries here on campus, and thought I see their flaws, it's part of them being organizations run by people. They will be flawed. That does not make them bad. It's human.
There are some things about how I am living my life that I need to let God change. It's hard to let go. I know I have a control problem. But holding on isn't worth it when I think of what God can do in my life and through my life.
I still need to work on listening.
I still need to let go of a lot of things.
I still need to spend more time just being silent and still.
I don't say that in a negative way. It's just realizing where I need to have more plasticity so God can mold me.
I really love Jesus. I am so thankful for all he has done for me.
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| one day early, but at the right time, so I suppose it's not really early at all |
[03 Jul 2008|01:03am] |
It's only the third of July, but I am going to talk about freedom. Not freedom in the independence from the British sense. God's been throwing the word freedom at me a lot lately. Songs, sermons, e-mails, people. I seriously can't count how many times it has come up in the past week. It occurred to me last night that maybe, just maybe, God was trying to say something to me.
Then it hit me.
"Are you experiencing freedom in Christ?"
"No."
I got an e-mail from Relevant magazine and the main article was about freedom in the Christian sense. The author said he looked up the meaning of freedom, one of which was "removing external restraints" or something to that affect. Meaning that freedom involves external things that hinder us. The author went on to say that Christ came to free us from internal restraints.
I think the reason that I have been dealing with the same things for the past three plus years is the fact that I am still stuck in bondage. It's hard, because how exactly do internal restraints get removed? Okay, so I don't have the strength to do it, but Christ does. And yet, they are still there. Is my faith not enough? What am I doing wrong? Which are not the right questions to ask, but they are human questions, they are honest. I have a tendency to over think things and think that I need to change. Last week I realized that maybe I don't need to stop being an academically and career motivated person, but I need to make sure that those motivations are propelled by Christ, not by me.
Lately I have been feeling like people just view me as being an extremely motivated and driven person, who works hard and does succeed in school, who has big goals for entering the occupational therapy career world. I don't want the next four plus years of my life to be about school. I feel like people are intimidated by the fact I am a triple major and that instead of connecting with people, I isolate myself in my academic pursuits. I don't want to be that crazy workaholic. But I am. My career is school right now. School is good, but it's not everything.
I read Ecclesiastes a few weeks ago. At that point I was feeling like everything is meaningless. But what struck me is at one point it says (and I am badly paraphrasing here) that man's enjoyment of his lot in life comes from God. We have relationships (romantic, friendships, we interact with people all the time), we eat and drink, work and play, and many other things. Enjoyment of life comes from God. When we enjoy Him, we enjoy what He has given us. (Because it's all from Him.) Enjoying God is giving glory to Him. I don't know what this exactly means, or what it looks like. It's an idea. A start.
I don't want to be "comfortable" in my relationship with God. There needs to be some pushing and pulling for growth to occur, I don't want to become comfortable to the point of being stagnant. I don't want to call it a struggle, I don't want to call it work, because those words don't have the right connotation. Just think about earthly relationships. They aren't easy. But they are worth it. I know my relationship with God is so much more worth it.
I want to enjoy God and the life He has called me to. I want to pursue Him in all I do. My career, my "plans"? They don't define who I am. Yes, I want to be an occupational therapist and I want to get married and have a family. These things aren't who I am.
Who am I?
Stephanie Jean Sypek.
Daughter of the King.
Beloved.
Beautiful.
Valuable.
Precious.
And the list goes on about how God views me.
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| it's not a slow shutter speed that's blurring the movement of my life |
[04 Jun 2008|11:39pm] |
It feels cliche to say that I'm at a crossroads in my life, because there will always be crossroads, it's called growing older. It's such a bizarre feeling. Like I know I'm on the brink of something wonderful, and yet it's terrifying in addition to being exciting. I just keep asking myself what am I doing with this life that God has given me? What is He calling me to do.
I'm not taking anatomy and physiology as originally planned this summer. Mostly because I didn't register on time, but looking at it, I would not have had the time or the energy to put into the class because of work. And I do need to work full time this summer. If I were taking the class, I'd be getting little sleep and would just totally burn out this summer.
I don't want that.
I'm sick of burn out.
It happens rather often.
I do too much and Christopher showed me this Rob Bell video called "Shells" and it silenced me. Granted that it's not too hard to do that these days, but it did. My hands are always too full to grab onto the things that really matter.
This summer is about letting God work in my life. Not trying to figure out the work that needs to be done, but just stopping and seeing what God does with that.
Stopping may include putting off grad school for a year and using that year to do all of my pre-requisites, rather than try to shove them all into next year. I don't like the idea of waiting, and yet it sounds so relaxing. I would have more time to invest into CRU next year. I could spend the following year just being with my parents and seeing what God does with that. I could do really well in the few courses I would be taking, do observation hours and figure out what I really want when it comes to grad school.
Why am I rushing to get it all done so fast?
What am I running from?
What am I ignoring?
I could spend a year at home. Work part time, just 20 hours a week. Go to school. Go to church and be involved. Jes would be here in Mass, so I wouldn't be without friends. I could get in touch with old friends and maybe even find some new ones. I'm not the only Christian girl in Western Mass, I just make it sound like that sometimes, and that's an incredibly stupid thing to do. There are people here that I could be friends with. It just scares me. Which is so ridiculous because I do love people, I work with people and am trying to pursue a job that consists of connecting and working with A LOT of people.
I always say I love school.
Then why am I rushing through it?
Of course, I'm tempted to take some of the deaf studies courses at HCC, but I don't need to grab onto things I don't necessarily need. I have too many interests. And maybe it's not that I'm passionate about so many things, but that I am not passionate enough about the few things I need to be passionate about. While I tend to say I excel at many things, perhaps the scales in my eyes are blocking me from the mediocrity that comes from having my fingers in too many pots.
And suddenly the words let it be come into my mind.
Let it be.
I don't do that.
It's about time I should.
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| You possess my heart |
[30 May 2008|12:16am] |
Death Cab for Cutie songs have a tendency to resonate deep within me. Hence why "Someday You Will Be Loved" is my ring tone. (That and I am too cheap to buy another one.) Christopher introduced me to the new album. Narrow Stairs. When "I Will Possess Your Heart" started to play, I found myself looking inward and the song just grabbed me. The beginning of the song has a trance-like quality to it, and when I heard it for the first time, I found myself staring at the clouds as I processed all of the things that have been on my mind lately.
It's funny how certain Death Cab songs just suit where I am at a given point in time. What is my facebook status, but "Stephanie is reminding herself that her love story is already in progress." The idea that someone is already in love with me, but I'm just not there yet....it gives me hope. The song is so beautifully poetic.
I get cynical about love sometimes. And when Christopher told me a slightly ridiculous love story about a friend...I was just like "No, that doesn't happen, shut up."
I've been slightly bitter lately when it comes to matters of the heart. Can you tell? I'm so idealistic, but right now I've been in a bit of a defeated mode. (Suddenly I am a single twenty-something. It's a cultural right of passage. It's chock full of meaning. And frustration.) I have to keep telling myself that love will come and first I need to love myself. Easier said than done.
How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart (x2)
There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart(x2)
I will possess your heart (x2)
You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart (x3)
I will possess your heart (x2)
Today after I bought the album, I listened to the song I don't know how many times. But as I listened to it the first time, wind blowing in my hair and the golden sun gleaming on the green trees that frame the back roads, it suddenly came to me. I was listening to the song thinking of a certain gentleman, when all of the sudden I realized that God wanted to possess my heart. And I realized how much the song paralleled how God pursues us. That until our hearts melt, they cannot read the language of His love. But it's there. It's written. It's just a matter of when.
And I realized God just wanted to spend some time with me. He wants my heart. And He will continue to pursue me. Always.
The rocks really do cry out.
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| Moments of Humanity on Eve of the Day of Memorial |
[25 May 2008|11:18pm] |
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I knew it was beautiful moment when I pulled into my driveway, letting the car run so I could still listen to the radio, but turning off the lights. With my head resting on my hands that were still on the steering wheel as I let the tears fall down my face, I knew that exact moment was absolutely gorgeous for all its humanity.
I have a tendency to narrate my life in my head. It's like I am constantly blogging, but only I can read it. I know it sounds crazy, but for some reason it's been extremely difficult for me to make it to the lap top or put the pen to the lined paper.
As I drove home from work today I once again felt the burning desire to be a woman of integrity on my heart. When I say woman of integrity, I mostly mean a woman of God that is respected by others. A woman with her eyes fixed on Jesus. A woman running her race and running it with all that she has. A woman that is respected because of how she lives her life. A woman whose actions line up with her words.
I know that any person that says they don't have issues is lying. We all have flaws. We are not perfect. We all have our own personal neurosis. It's just a matter of how you handle living with it. I know I get down on myself. I'm just disgusted right now because of how my relationship is with my parents. And I feel this way every time I come home. And I know I'll always feel this way until there is some sort of resolution in that department. And I don't mean an exact resolution in that my parents and I directly face our issues by talking them out (that will never happen) but just finding some sort of peace in how our relationship is.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. That I am somehow not following God's plan. I don't know whether or not this is a healthy question to ask. It's a very human question. Anyone who claims to have all the answers is either lying or they are God. (The former being the most prevalent occurrence.) There is part of me who feels this is a very healthy question to ask because it means that I am actively trying to seek God's will for my life and follow Him wherever he takes me. On the other hand, sometimes I fear I doubt or question too much.
I'm just at such a bizarre point in my life. I know that a life lived for God is the life that matters. But how is God calling me to live out my life? This world is so...I love it and hate it with such intense feelings.
I am so headstrong and foolish and stubborn and worldly in so many ways.
Here's a confession.
I love status. For as long as I can remember, I've always made a big deal out of titles. I decided a long time ago when I couldn't have the title as the pretty girl, I'd be the smart girl. So I defined myself by my grades. In high school it meant everything to graduate in the top ten of my class. It was a huge blow to me when I did not receive a book award or any recognition on class day my senior year. It hurt when the night of the birthday celebration for UNlisted I didn't get a certificate. For a long time it hurt my pride not to be on the leadership team for Crusade. I love being able to say I'm a triple major.
I make a big deal out of being recognized and seen as being special, important. What it comes down to is my issue of value. I know everyone has self esteem issues. I just readily admit mine. Because I have difficulty as seeing myself as being of worth, I look to others to define my worth. And yet even though all of the places I've searched have failed, though I know the unfailing definition of my worth, it is so difficult to grasp.
Hint: The unfailing definition has to do with me being a child of God.
I think a lot. Too much most of the time. Especially when I am out of school and I have time to think beyond textbooks and I see the real, gritty, dirty, ugly sides of my nature that seem to come out when I am with my parents and see all of the things that are easily hidden when I am in Syracuse.
And yet all of this knowledge paralyzes me. I know I can never talk to my Dad about how I really feel. My Mother and I have a reasonable relationship, but there are some things that she refuses to understand because in her mind the umbilical chord still attaches us.
My heart feels like such a murky place.
I want to stop thinking about love. In the earthly sense. I know it's not coming for a long time and that man certainly is not someone I already know, despite thoughts that I have that say otherwise.
I just want to be focused on Jesus.
But what does that really look like?
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| Meow Meows Should Not Be Allowed to Grow Old |
[16 May 2008|12:03am] |
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mood |
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No music, just Buffy |
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I could be writing all of the things I wrote in my head during my trip to California. But I'm not.
Why?
I came home to find my kitty Smokey in horrid health and we are probably going to put her sleep tomorrow. Awesome thing to come home to. (Not.) It wouldn't be so bad, but let's see A) I just got back from vacation, B) I need to go to Syracuse tomorrow to pack up my room so it can be painted over the summer and I can move into Erin's old room easily. (Not so okay with that. I <3 Erin and Ana Cristina and do not want them gone. But on the other hand, yay Abby and Alison!)
Smokey is not okay. We came back to her being skin, bones and fur and being a little drooly and very weak. Yeah, not good. Kelly (family friend) thinks the Smokester may have had a stroke. If we hadn't gotten back so late, we would have taken her tonight. Smokey won't even sit with me for that long. Granted that's Smokey being Smokey, but knowing tonight is the last night I can ever hold her again, it makes me sad. She's mellowed out so much in the past few years, she was such a snot when we first got her when I was 11. She totally clawed up my hands and I was covered in scratches for a while. Then toward my senior year in high school she started mellowing, especially after Sparkles had to be put to sleep. Then she seemed a little kooky and senile, but she did a lot better after Zoe came into the picture last summer. I know she hasn't been doing so hot lately, but it's just not a good time. But it's never a good time.
I feel like I've had her forever. She's my meow meow. I love her, devil kitty tendencies and all. I love Miss Zoe, but I am going to miss Smokey.
It just feels like the past three months have been a lot of disappointments and big blows.
The whole being a grown up thing?
I kind of suck at it.
Kitties are comforting when I feel like I suck at life. Even Smokey with her bratty tendencies.
But she's been a tres fab kitterkat. And animals don't live forever.
But why is euthanasia for animals considered a kindness, while for humans it is illegal? Why the double standard?
Just a thought.
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| lifted up by perfect love |
[14 Apr 2008|09:34pm] |
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thrice |
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As human beings, we crave love. We're relational creatures. It is how we were made. God fashioned us, knit together our hearts and filled them with the desire for love.
I'm realizing the reason I crave love so much is because I crave God. In Scripture, it says The King is enthralled with your beauty. My King is enthralled with my beauty. Mine. As in, I am beautiful and there is no denying that and He revels in it.
At Crusade on Thursday night, Sarah, one of our staff members, gave a talk about God's love. She based most of her talk off of The Sacred Romance which I really want to read right now. I think it fits where I am right now. She even showed a clip from Moulin Rouge and last night we had some girls over our house to watch the movie.
It's my all time favorite. It's such a beautiful love story, I love the script, I love the music, I love how it was shot. Everything about it is so beautiful, the love story is not perfect, but the visual elements, that's love. The movie takes my breath away with its splendor.
God loves me so truly. It's perfect. I can't help but stand in awe of His love.
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